The Planet With Two Names

“These are very interesting trees,” Haticat says, looking them up and down. They are smooth-skinned and broad-leaved, some blue with green spots and some green with blue spots. Others are brown with long, droopy leaves hanging from the top of an unbranched trunk.

Doctor Bill holds his scanner high. “These two kinds of trees have radically different tissue structures.”

Nathaniel runs his fingers through the moss covering the ground. It is soft and fluffy. “Let’s walk this way.”

Soon the four explorers see a short, red stump in the midst of several brown trees. There are four very large roots stretching away from it as far as they can see. “Strange,” Doctor Bill says. “This plant seems to have metal fragments imbedded in it.”

“That’s because it’s a communication station,” one of the brown trees says.

“Oh, that makes sense,” Nathaniel responds.

The three Stuffians turn to face the tree. Fred puts his hand on his gun. “Wh-what?”

“What are you doing on our planet?” another tree asks.

“Um…” Haticat looks back at Nathaniel, still examining the stump, then back towards the two nearest trees. “We’re exploring. We didn’t know anyone lived here.”

“Obviously we live here. We’re alive and we aren’t anywhere else,” a third tree grumbles.

“He’s got a point,” Nathaniel says, trying to pry the stump open with his fingers.

“Hey! Don’t touch that!” the first tree shouts. It begins to slowly glide closer to Nathaniel, reaching out its long brown leaves, which unfold slightly to reveal rows of suckers. For the first time, Haticat recognizes tiny eyes and beaks at the very top of the trunk. It is some sort of squid.

Nathaniel simply turns to the approaching Squid Tree and asks, “Did you know this was here?”

“Of course, we put them all over the planet. This is one of our colony worlds. We call it Lululululu. What are you doing here?” the first Squid Tree asks.

Nathaniel points to Haticat. “Like he said, we’re explorers.”

“Well, go explore someplace else!” the Squid Tree says.

“Okay, we’ll keep moving,” Nathaniel says, striding out of the grove while his crew follows him.

“Wait!” The stump roars to life. “Apprehend them for questioning!” One of the other trees fires a white ball that hits the ground in front of them and suddenly expands into a mountain of foam. They change direction only for several more to come at them from all directions, creating a wall of foam all around them. It expands quickly, soon pressing against them and holding them in place.

Eventually, the squid trees tear away at most of the foam, leaving just enough around Captain Nathaniel and crew to keep them quite immobile. They are questioned extensively. “And exactly how long have you been on the planet?” the stump roars.

“Well, that’s a good question. I’m not very good with time,” Nathaniel says. “Haticat, how long have we been on the planet…in this century?”

“Um, including the trip to five years from now?” Haticat asks.

“No, because we haven’t been on that trip yet; it’s in the future,” Nathaniel says with a warning look.

“Oh, then about three hours now,” Haticat says.

“I thought we first landed three weeks ago,” Fred mentions.

“No, our first landing was a millennium ago,” Haticat corrects him.

“No, our earliest landing was a millennium ago, but our first landing was three weeks ago,” Doctor Bill corrects him.

“Actually, it was supposed to be a millennium ago, but I was eating a maple syrup sandwich and the controls got sticky, so I’m not really sure when we are right now,” Nathaniel corrects him.

“Just answer the questions! Have you been spiking our soils with sulfur?” the voice in the stump asks.

“What? No,” Nathaniel answers.

“Where is your vehicle?” the stump asks.

“Listen, I’m awfully cramped in here. Could I have a normal interrogation chair?” Nathaniel asks.

“I’m the one who asks questions! You’re the one who answers them! Why are you interfering in our terraforming project?” the stump asks.

“I didn’t know I was,” Nathaniel says. “Wait, is someone interfering in your terraforming project? By spiking your soils with sulfur?”

“I’m the one who asks the questions!” the stump yells.

“We’re experienced detectives. We could find out who,” Nathaniel says.

Eventually, the explorers are released on the condition that they aid in the investigation. They are fitted with tracking devices and told to check in often at any red stump. They first return to their bed ship so they can travel quickly, scanning the ground for sulfur. “On the boundary of the low-sulfur area and high-sulfur area is where we will most likely find the culprits in action,” Nathaniel announces.

No equipment is visible from the air, so they eventually land and look around near one of the many crater lakes. There are the same blue-and-green trees as elsewhere. These are native to the planet. There is plentiful moss and a few other plants as well. In the distance is a Squid Tree grove, containing a red stump station and one of the artificial oxygenator trees the Squid Trees have been using to alter the atmosphere more to their liking.

They walk for a ways until Doctor Bill discovers a source of hydrogen. “These yellow mushrooms are releasing hydrogen into the atmosphere.”

“Hmm. The atmosphere contains traces of hydrogen sulfide. Perhaps the mushrooms take it in, split the molecule, store away the sulfur, and release the hydrogen,” Nathaniel suggests.

“The mushrooms contain higher-than-background levels of sulfur. I’ll use trichromal analysis to follow individual atoms,” Doctor Bill says.

“Good,” Nathaniel says.

“The Squid Trees thought enemy colonists must be spoiling the soil, but it might just be mushrooms,” Haticat comments.

“I don’t like mushrooms; they smell weird,” Fred says.

“Some of them taste good, though,” Nathaniel says.

“Did you figure out how to remove the tracking devices yet?” Haticat asks.

“Yes, but it’s not time,” Nathaniel says.

“Confirmed!” Doctor Bill yells. “The mushrooms are taking hydrogen sulfide from the air and pumping the elemental sulfur through an extensive network of hyphae underground.”

“Okay, let’s check in with Squid Tree Command.” Nathaniel tries to walk, but his foot is stuck in the mud. “Hey.” He jerks and jerks, but both feet are held fast. He starts to sink into the moss-covered ground.

“I can’t move!” Fred complains.

“Neither can I,” Doctor Bill says.

Haticat grabs his legs and pulls, but nothing happens. “Oh no!”

They sink up to their knees and stop. Then a yellow spike rises from the ground nearby. “Who are you and what are you doing on our planet, Kittledeediveytoo?” it says, vibrating.

“Your planet?” Nathaniel says.

“I thought this planet was named Lululululu,” Fred says.

“I did, too,” Nathaniel says.

“Cease talking to each other! We demand answers! Are you the ones boiling the lakes?” the spike asks.

“I hope not. I can’t even boil chicken properly,” Nathaniel says.

“You did make a mess last time,” Haticat agrees.

The interrogation continues for an hour. The explorers learn that this planet, whatever it is called, has been colonized by a race of Sulfur Amoebas, barely visible yellow blobs that live in the soil. They have been terraforming the planet to their liking, but then noticed gigantic mirrors in low orbit redirecting the sun into the meteoric crater lakes dotting the planet, driving the water cycle to deposit rain across the planet and washing away much of their needed sulfur.

“The people that did that are called Squid Trees. Let us go and we can stop them,” Nathaniel promises.

“No! We can’t trust you,” the Sulfur Amoeba ground spike says.

“That’s unfortunate.” Nathaniel aims his gun at his feet and fires a wide-beam heat ray. The mud softens and he forces his way out. Following his lead, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill do the same.

“Return at once! This is your final warning!” the spike says.

The explorers continue to walk away. Then they hear a loud humming. Then they see the disk. Then they run. Nathaniel and Haticat jump behind a tree as the meter-wide disk speeds past. “What is that?” Haticat asks.

“I think it’s a spaceship,” Nathaniel says.

Caught in the open, Fred and Doctor Bill exchange fire with the disk. They miss, and the disk blasts Fred’s gun from his hand, disintegrating it. Nathaniel, Haticat, and Doctor Bill then fire at the disk, hitting it in the middle. It wobbles a bit and then flies away. They run to the Squid Tree grove before it can recover.

Eventually, the whole story comes out. Both the Squid Trees and the Sulfur Amoebas landed on the planet at roughly the same time. Who landed first is unclear. The Amoeba ships and other structures, being so small, were easily missed. The vase-like ships of the Squid were quickly dismantled and converted into other structures, appearing biological in nature, meaning they were also easily missed.

There is a brief war before Nathaniel convinces both sides to negotiate. The talks are frustratingly confusing since they cannot agree on what to name the planet. Nathaniel and Haticat take turns hosting. They both find the process very taxing. Dividing up the parts of the planet as yet uncolonized is difficult enough, but dividing up lands where they already overlap at first seems impossible. The issue is also made more complicated by the water evaporated from the crater lakes sometimes falling as rain on the other side of the planet. The Squid Trees need moister soil while the Sulfur Amoebas need more stable soil.

Finally, Nathaniel figures out that each has tech that can help the other. He proposes that the Squid Trees lend the Sulfur Amoebas oxygenation trees to trap carbon dioxide and produce oxygen so that the Sulfur Amoebas can trap hydrogen sulfide, remove the sulfur for their own use, and combine the hydrogen with the oxygen to produce water-rich, sulfur-free grove zones every few hundred feet for the Squid Trees to live in. In exchange, the Squid Trees will dismantle their orbiting mirrors.

A tentative agreement is reached and Nathaniel starts to write up a treaty. “Wait, how do I title this? What is the name of the planet?”

“How can a planet have two names?” Fred asks.

“It must have somehow been left out of the base lexicon when Y created the universe,” Nathaniel says.

“That’s weird,” Fred says.

“Very weird,” Haticat says.

“The colonists are not going to sign a treaty with the wrong name,” Doctor Bill says.

Nathaniel thinks for five minutes. Finally, he corrugates the paper such that looking at it from one angle shows one treaty and looking at it from the other angle shows another. The two treaties are identical except for the name of the planet. “There. That will do it.”

In the end, the treaty is signed, the cooperation begins, Nathaniel finishes exploring the planet, and they climb back into their bed and fly away, falling asleep as the stars zip past them.

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