The Alien Wars

“Seventy Blentite warships just appeared in orbit!” reports the lookout for the Fleggish colony security. Talks over weather control on the nearby moon had gone badly. The Blentites demanded more snow. The Fleggish demanded more rain. The Blentites offered to buy the Fleggish half of the moon. The Fleggish responded that it was their moon and the Blentites would have to buy the whole thing or go back to Beerbele. They had been allies against the girls, but dividing the spoils of war was messier than winning them. “They are opening fire!”

“Ground-based defenses are online. Stand by,” replies the head of security. Nathaniel had ruled a peaceful galaxy for only a few months. Every girl and sports fan had been subdued. Girl play was outlawed. Sports was heavily regulated. The Cheeraliens had all been rounded up and executed. Now, without a common enemy to unify them, the boys were reverting to their competitive ways. Old jealousies were returning. New leaders were emerging. Friendships and tribal distinctions were being redefined.

Several missiles accelerate upwards and explode, radiation blinding Blentite sensors and scrambling their computers. More missiles follow. The Blentites simply drop bombs indiscriminately, guided by gravity alone to the surface. The large cities are missed, but the toxins kicked up into the air will wreak ecological havoc for years to come.

Five thousand light years away, Nathaniel reads reports. About 25,000 planets had officially seceded and joined the Anti-Primate League. Made up of an alliance of Zleesnits and Nops, spinning Top Crabs, Bears, Raccoons, Tyrannosaurs, Dromaeosaurs, Pelycosaurs, Stegosaurs, and others, they allege that during the Boy-Girl War and after, primate races were unfairly given better missions so that they would ultimately control more resources when the girls were defeated. Nathaniel had attempted to hold peace talks, but no agreements were reached. In the meantime, many thousands more planets were at war with each other, both sides claiming to be friends of Nathaniel and begging him for help. The entire hierarchy was unraveling. He sighs.

“The Snarugi won’t stand for this!” The Snarugi representative shouts, banging one foot on Nathaniel’s desk.

“What are you complaining about this time?” Nathaniel asks.

“Why have the Ninos not returned our ships to us?” the rep continues.

“They told me that the Snarugi had still not removed the occupation force on planet Xerixank 7,” Nathaniel recounts.

“Yes, because they haven’t returned our ships,” the rep says.

“I’ll have another talk with the Ninos, but I can’t deal with this now,” Nathaniel says.

Soon, the APL launches attacks on territories held by the Extolons, Meekons, Mymmonians, Humans, Hammer-Faces, and Ninos, leaving Nathaniel no choice but to declare war on the APL. The Blentites and Snarugi soon counterattack. Zack’s Ornithomimosaurs remain neutral, attempting to win concessions in exchange for their support. As the war continues, more primates join with the Ninos and more non-primates join with the Top Crabs. Under Nathaniel’s charismatic leadership and strategic advice, the primates win more and more planets.

One morning, Nathaniel enters the war room to find his generals already seated. The Nino general, Kenim, is sitting in his seat. “What are you doing? That’s my seat,” Nathaniel says.

“Not anymore,” the Human general, Liam, says. “We took a vote and decided that it’s a bad look for us to be led by a Dromaeosaur while we are at war with them.”

“That’s stupid. You’re not at war with me; we’re still friends,” Nathaniel says.

“Not right now,” Kenim says.

Nathaniel is too stunned for words. He just went from having trillions of friends to zero in one second. He simply walks out of the room and back to his living space. He drops a single tear before regaining composure. Some minutes later, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill knock on his door while he sips a butterscotch milkshake. “We heard they fired you,” Haticat says.

“Yeah, they don’t want to be friends anymore,” Nathaniel says.

“We’re still your friends,” Haticat says.

“Yeah,” Fred adds.

“Well then, let’s go help someone that wants our help,” Nathaniel says.

The four friends eventually land on a colony world of the Longhair Monkeys. They are under attack by fat, flightless, bird-like beings called Scrum. The Scrum walk on their beaks as well as their two legs with their tailfeathers skyward. In addition to heat rays, the Scrum carry large guns that fire metal needles. Because of their bad aim, these guns spray needles at a wide angle and with limited range.

Nathaniel advises the monkeys to take advantage of their small size, superior climbing ability, and superior grasp of objects to break inside and sabotage Scrum vehicles. The first wave of invaders are defeated and those in orbit quickly retreat.

“Follow them!” Nathaniel says. Without waiting for official orders, the Longhair Monkeys respond to Nathaniel’s natural leadership ability and make pursuit. The two fleets exchange heat rays and electrical disintegrator beams all the way back to Scrumpon six light years away, where the Monkeys bomb their factories before returning home.

The whole battle lasts six days. Nathaniel is celebrated as a hero, rewarded with a candy feast, and nobody cares that he has feathers.

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