Exploring beyond The Rainbow Nebula, Captain Nathaniel and his crew set down on T’n’fer’prey, a planet with surface conditions at the triple point for carbon dioxide, allowing solid, liquid, and gaseous forms to exist side-by-side. There they meet a civilization of Ornithomimosaur colonists ruled by Boss Zack, inventor of slang and nicknames. The Dinosaur removes his sunglasses and asks, “What’s your name?” “Nathaniel,” Captain Nathaniel responds, looking back. “I’m going to nickname you Nate; that sounds cooler,” Zack says. “Nate? That is cooler!” Nathaniel declares. In addition to nicknames, Zack has also invented mentalic technology such as psychospeeders (machines that emit waves to speed up thinking), brain pills (taken to increase focus and memory), the mindwhip (which creates mental pain neither emotional nor physical), stupid-rays (ray guns that can make those shot stupid for days), and so much more. He has also invented transforming clothes, which turn into spacesuits upon encountering vacuum and turn back into clothes again once they touch air. Zack is planning on transforming the climate of the planet T’n’fer’prey and introducing life forms from many other worlds to create a boy utopia free from adults or girls. Most of their technology runs on energy crystals (rare crystals that produce energy out of nothing), but to complete their task of terraforming T’n’fer’prey they need much rarer matter crystals, which produce matter out of nothing. Nathaniel and his Stuffians join the team to search for these strange crystals. Believing there to be matter crystals on the distant planet Lup, they park their ship inside Zack’s larger, faster ship and travel beyond the Great Salt Nebula to the Lup system. They search the strange, white jungles and encounter many strange animals. They get to know the various people groups that live there and have run-ins with the giant, flying, shining, spheroid adults. First, they meet the forest-dwelling Kentrosaurs who eat fungi. Next, they walk the grassy plains and encounter some girl creatures with antlers for hair. After getting into a fight with them over flowers, an adult appears overhead and declares it to be bath time. They are teleported to the seacoast and told to wash up. Nathaniel attempts to be nice and play with the girls. He even offers one a crab he finds in the sand. Instead of being grateful, she screams and this starts a fight between the boys and the girls that spreads up and down the seacoast. Adults do not like fighting and soon everyone is imprisoned in clear cells inside a cave. Nathaniel vows to never be nice to a girl again. When they are finally let loose, the adults demand to understand the root of the conflict. The girls claim it is because boys like to play stupid games like war instead of smart games like dress-up. As a result, all boys across the continent are required to wear dresses. Nathaniel, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill rip their dresses off and run into the jungle naked. Days later, they are found and rescued by the Zackoid Ornithomimosaurs who take them to the last unexplored region of the planet – The Great Archipelago. The Hadrosaurs of the archipelago play war games with the diminutive Feln among the numerous springs. Feln are tiny hominids with tall, split heads, each side with one mouth, one nostril, one ear, and one eye. They come in a variety of colors, identifying them by tribe so they can play war games. While making new friends, and learning the culture, botany, and zoology of the region, the boys notice signs that sea levels were once much lower. They see a submerged forest long dead, they hear tales about a “sinking island,” and they discover that all sea currents flow outward from the archipelago. Suddenly, they realize where the matter crystals are. They are the source of the water feeding the planet’s many springs! They start mining, but their operation threatens the complex ecology of Lup and the way of life of the natives. The ever-changing coastlines were important to their games. War erupts between the Feln and the Ornithomimosaurs and goes badly for both sides. Nathaniel loves fighting! It is so much fun! He also loves being a bad guy. Unfortunately, it is not so much fun when he and his friends start getting hurt. “Even my conscience hurts,” he says. The war has to end. He decides that the best way to end the war is to switch sides to punish those that started it. That way, he can keep fighting. Being a good guy is even more fun! Nathaniel finally confronts Zack. Zack lowers his voice and speaks very clearly. “I want those crystals.” “You can’t have them anymore!” Nathaniel declares and points his laser pistol at Zack’s face. “Yo, Nate, what are you doing?” Zack says. If Zack was surprised, his voice didn’t indicate it, and his giant sunglasses hide half his face. “I’m a good guy now. I told the Feln that I would help them if they let me rescue my crew,” Nathaniel answers. “Uh? Well, you’re fired!” Zack responds. “I already quit!” Nathaniel says. “No! I fired you first!” Zack says. “I quit first!” Nathaniel argues. “You didn’t say you quit, so I fired you first!” Zack yells, showing anger for the first time. “It still counts!” Nathaniel yells. “No! You’re fired!” Zack screams, clenching his fists and shaking with rage. “I quit!!!” Nathaniel screams back, stomping his foot and also shaking with rage. He continues to hold his laser pistol to Zack’s face. The Gruezhlings talk among themselves. “Is Zack still our boss if the captain quits? I don’t know what side we’re on. Do we fight both?” Fred asks. “I think when the bosses argue, you can be on whatever side you want,” Haticat answers. “Let’s all be on the same side,” Fred suggests. “I want to be on Nathaniel’s side,” Haticat says. “Me too,” Doctor Bill adds. “Okay, we’ll all be on the captain’s side,” Fred agrees. Suddenly, they hear the soft buzzing of a stupid-ray. Nathaniel runs outside. In shock, the Stuffians run after him. “Now I want matter crystals and revenge. Let’s take this ship and fry some Feln,” Zack says as another Ornithomimosaur shuts the door. Nathaniel runs and runs. There are trees everywhere. This must be a tree planet – or was it a planet tree? That couldn’t be right. It must be a fish pudding. He steps in a puddle and freaks out. What was milk doing on the ground and not in the sky where it belonged? The only way to be certain would be to ask the volcano and let his tail fall asleep without vegetables. That would seal the book. Nathaniel stands on his head trying to find the volcano so he can ask it the question, but it isn’t in the book. He must be too smart on the inside for the volcano to ask him anything. Why did he have to read that book so hard? Unable to stand on his head for long, Nathaniel decides he is too heavy and starts stuffing ferns down the front of his spacesuit to make himself lighter. “What is he doing?” Fred asks. “He’s being stupid. We have to stop him from hurting himself,” Haticat says. The three Stuffians pounce on the captain, holding him to the ground. Whoa! Nathaniel is being attacked by girls. He loves girls! Girls are cool! That would make him light enough to stand on his head to find the volcano. He grabs Doctor Bill and stuffs him into his shirt while pushing the others off. “Aaaah!” Doctor Bill lets out a muffled scream. “He’s too strong. What do we do?” Fred asks. “You girls have to learn how to share me. I can’t hear candles you know,” Nathaniel says. “We’re not girls,” Haticat corrects. “Are you calling me a horse?” Nathaniel asks accusingly. “No,” Haticat and Fred answer together. “Why not?” Nathaniel asks. “Because you’re not a horse,” Haticat answers in a pleading tone. “I am a horse. I have three hooves,” Nathaniel proclaims, holding up one gloved claw. “Horses have four hooves,” Haticat says. “And three is more than four, so that proves everything. I am allowed to drink outside,” Nathaniel declares triumphantly. “Oh no! We have to teach you all over again. Horses have four hooves, not three, not five, not four-and-a-half…” Haticat says. “What about shoes hooves?” Nathaniel asks. “Shoes and hooves are different things,” Haticat says. “I know. Shoes is the number between sixteen and nine and across the road from apples,” Nathaniel says. “Shoes isn’t a number!” Haticat shouts. “Horses aren’t numbered; that’s how they talk,” Nathaniel explains. Doctor Bill struggles out of the neck hole of Nathaniel’s suit. “Hey, whatever you do, don’t eat these brain pills. They’re poison,” he says, holding up a pawfull. “Poison? That will make me stronger,” Nathaniel declares, grabbing them away and swallowing them. Doctor Bill digs in Nathaniel’s pocket for more. “Don’t eat these either.” He disobeys again. “Definitely don’t eat the ones in your pocket. Those are mine.” Nathaniel grabs Doctor Bill, tosses him over his shoulder, and reaches into his pockets for the rest of his brain pills. He eats two hundred of them, forty at a time. These tonsils are rather infinity. The taste is airplanes’ descent. There must be less than a quarter here. That was more than shoes. Huh? Did that make sense? Nathaniel suddenly gets a headache and feels dizzy. He sits down for a minute. “Are you okay?” Haticat finally asks. “My head hurts and nothing makes sense,” Nathaniel responds. Wait, that made sense. “What is the speed of light?” Haticat asks. “Um…mayonnaise-flavored?” Nathaniel answers weakly. No, that didn’t make sense. It had to be a number. “299,792 kilometers per second!” “He’s better!” Fred cheers. “I’m tired,” Nathaniel complains. Nathaniel makes a full recovery in only a few minutes and they all return to the mining site. Since Zack stole their ship, they decide to steal one of the Zack’s ships. It has external weapons, cupholders, and is way cooler. Nathaniel, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill fix it as best as they can. They have to strip one of the other ships for parts. Finally, Haticat makes a suggestion. “I know there’s no honor in running away, but I don’t want to get dead. Once we get the ship working, we can just leave Lup and not have to fight on either side. We can be neutral.” “Then we’ll lose all of our friends instead of just half. We won’t be able to live on Lup or T’n’fer’prey,” Nathaniel says. “We’re still friends with each other,” Fred says. The other three boys just look at him. Finally, Doctor Bill speaks. “He’s right. The four of us can be friends. That’s enough.” “Yup,” Haticat agrees. “We’re not very greedy, so we don’t need every friend, every spaceship, and every planet.” Nathaniel takes a long look at the white jungle, the shimmering sea, and the afternoon sun. There might not be any honor in remaining neutral, but at least there was no dishonor in self-preservation. It is the prime directive of all organisms. “There are billions of other planets to explore. Let’s go.” Never stop asking questions, for learning is the true spice of life. Expand your world. Leave a comment and start a conversation. I’d love to discuss the underlying science and philosophy.
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