Planet of The Dolls

They don’t even make it to the surface of the planet before being attacked. Dozens of girls in flying Tarrati dresses swarm the ship and attempt to blast their way inside. Nathaniel is standing by a window when a girl breaks through. All the boys around him open fire, which scatters harmlessly off her dress. She then begins to spin. Realizing what is about to happen, Nathaniel runs from the room just as every sequin lights up and emits beams of burning radiation that cut everything in the room to slices.

As the girls break into the cockpit, Nathaniel rounds up Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill and grabs four parachutes. They jump out of a broken window as the ship goes down. Girls follow them, but only catch up as they hit the ground. As they close in around them, Haticat hits them all with an itch-ray. Unlike with lasers, Tarrati dresses offer no protection from itch-rays. Overcome by overwhelming itchiness, the girls rip off their clothing and start to scratch themselves to death, screaming the whole time. Fred and Nathaniel use their guns to stop the noise.

The boys are on the planet Zek Omega to win support of the Cuddle Blankets, psychosymbiotic life forms that love to cuddle. Because unlike Stuffians they are equally comfortable with boy play or girl play, their planet has become the focus of intense competition.

While no single civilization has explored the whole galaxy, and no one can see farther with telescopes than light has had a chance to travel since Y created the universe, tales of far-off planets trickle through the trade network until they reach Ninosa and Paffy. This is how they learn of planet “Plaza De La Ropa,” home of wearable psychosymbiotic beings that bond exclusively with girls, planet Wheelios, home of otherwise plush beings that ride on hardened wheels and bond exclusively with boys, and planet Zek Omega, home of the Cuddle Blankets.

Nathaniel and his friends travel the gloomy, rocky surface evading girl patrols and meeting many Blankets, who lie strewn about the ground, sometimes in layers, quiet until someone comes along to play with. The boys are able to hide under the Blankets, which greatly resemble the color and texture of the surrounding rocks. At night, they provide warmth. They are so comfortable that Nathaniel does not want to get up in the morning. He learns that there are many billions of Blankets and that they can fight. They can knock people over and suffocate them. “If all the Stuffians, Wheelios, and Blankets join the boys, it will almost double our troop numbers.”

“That’s what we need to win the war quickly,” Haticat says.

“Whoever wins this planet wins the Blankets and whoever wins the Blankets wins the war,” Nathaniel says.

Days later, Nathaniel is rescued and replaced by other diplomats because there are more important things for him to do. “We just received a tip that large numbers of girls are heading to Livilia-Seven. I need you to go spy on them,” Jash says.

“No problem. Spying on girls is what I do best!” Nathaniel says.

“Good. I also want you to take Peter with you and teach him our technique,” Jash says. Peter is a Human and newest member of the Girlbusters.

“Okay, no problem,” Nathaniel says.

Livilia-Seven is covered by Dolls. Nathaniel, Peter, and their Stuffians walk among their eerie slumbering bodies. Their presence as a source of fun causes the closest Dolls to sometimes flicker their eyes or turn their heads. The Dolls come in all sizes, from ten centimeters tall to four meters tall. Some have hair, but most are bald. Most are lumpy and grey, blending in to the boulders around them. They are encased in hard, plastic shells and wear no clothing. Nathaniel learns that like Blankets, Dolls are capable of bonding with either girls or boys. He befriends a couple of Dolls and makes pants and boots for them.

The girls are up to something. In addition to befriending a few Dolls themselves, making them skirts and bonnets, they have parked many large cargo ships in orbit. Nathaniel sneaks on board on one of them to see what the girls have brought. The ship is empty! “Why are they empty? Are girls so stupid that they forgot to fill their ships before they left?” he asks no one in particular.

“Maybe they’re transporting air,” Haticat suggests.

“But the planet already has air,” Nathaniel says.

“How can they win the Dolls’ allegiance without presents?” Peter asks.

“I don’t know, but this gives us a chance to win it first. There are over two trillion Dolls on this planet, more than every Blanket, Wheelio, and Stuffian combined. It will take the girls a long time to win them all,” Nathaniel says. “Peter, return to Ninosa to let Jash know what’s going on. The rest of us will stay here and teach the Dolls to fight.”

“We are happy to fight,” one of the two Dolls with them says.

“Good,” Haticat says.

A few days later, Nathaniel is teaching the Dolls how to use a club when he sees a redness on the horizon. It spreads into the sky and along the ground. “What is that?”

“I’ve never seen it before,” a Doll answers.

The redness gets closer and closer until Nathaniel can see its details through a telescope. It is the prettification contagion! He runs as fast as he can back to his ship, but he cannot reach it in time. The Dolls around him grow skirts and sometimes hair bows. He is surrounded by girl play. He can feel the girliness flowing through him. It disgusts him, but when he fights against it, it feels like his joints are coming apart. Then he grabs his life crystal. He opens the package. There is enough crystal to keep him alive (and in great pain), along with Haticat, Fred, Doctor Bill, and two Dolls. He eventually makes it to his prettified ship and takes off. The boys see that half the cargo ships are no longer in orbit. The rest of them sweep the planet with teleporter beams. “Oh no.”

“What?” Fred asks.

“The girls never planned on bringing cargo here; they planned on taking cargo away. The cargo ships were here all along to transport their new Doll army,” Nathaniel says.

“We need to warn Jash,” Doctor Bill says.

The girls first bring the Dolls to Zek Omega, taking control of the Blankets by prettiness as well. The boys fight back, but the Dolls are too many. The Dolls are very strong and nearly impossible to kill. They can be shot full of holes until fifty percent gone and keep on marching. Boys or Blankets that refuse to surrender are torn in half.

Next, the girls bring their combined army of Dolls, Blankets, Stuffians, Tarrati, Dromaeosaurs, Zleesnits, and Nops to planet Candy and break the stalemate there. It takes only eight hours to drive the boys from the solar system, cutting them off from the only source of their favorite food.

Next, they move to Gruezhe, planet of the Stuffians, but a unified force of Blentites, various Dinosaur tribes, Humans, Stuffians, Ninos, Hammer-Faces, and others put up fierce resistance. Needing as much help as they can get, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill are sent to the front lines. Nathaniel misses them. So much debris from damaged battleships builds up from the fighting that navigating the Gruezhe system will be dangerous for centuries to come.

The generals meet with President Bobot. Jash and Nathaniel are also there. “The girls are winning. We need to try something drastic,” one general says.

“There is one thing we haven’t tried. The secret weapon I told you we were working on is finished,” the chief of science says.

“I hope you’re not suggesting we destroy Candy or Gruezhe; then we’ll never get them back,” Bobot says.

“It’s one option,” the chief of science says.

“What is this weapon?” the general asks.

“We now have a bomb capable of exploding whole planets,” the chief of science says.

The entire room is quiet. Nathaniel feels an irresistible urge to clear his throat. One of the other generals speaks. “Well…uh…since we need to do something drastic, why not use it on Paffy or Tarrat? The girls will get the message and we’ll be forced back into stalemate.”

The first general finds his voice again. “Paffy and Tarrat are protected by patrols. Getting a bomber past them will be difficult.”

“We could smuggle it in. Paffy receives regular soda shipments from planet Soda,” Jash says.

“What if they detect it?” the first general asks.

“They won’t. We’re very good at hiding things,” Jash says.

“The bombs are constructed of an interface of energy crystals and matter crystals. Once armed, their mass fluctuates slightly as matter and energy are converted into each other until all the crystals are saturated. How can you keep the girls from noticing a fluctuating mass?” the chief of science says.

“That won’t be a problem,” Jash says.

Hours later, a mysterious crate is loaded onto a ship bound for Paffy. The slip reads: “To President Melissa, from Laura, celebrating our victory on Candy.”

“What’s in this?” a Longhair Monkey girl asks. “It jiggles.”

“It’s full of bunnies!” the second girl answers, pulling open the top. Two dozen rabbits jump back and forth inside the large box.

“What a nice present! Let’s get this to Paffy fast!” the first girl exclaims.

One hour and forty-eight minutes later, Paffy vanishes in a flash of light and x-rays.

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