Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers

It is Nathaniel’s fourth birthday. He should be celebrating. Instead, he is in a courtroom on planet Kakro. Sitting down, he carefully places his tail through the back of his chair in great pain. It will be a while before it heals. Around the room are five Kakro adults. They have gumdrop-like bodies and glide like snails. A single, jointed arm extends from the lower front of their bodies while a thin, jointed neck extends from the upper front, tipped by a large eye and three straight horns. They are weird creatures. “Let the trial of Captain Nathaniel the Dromaeosaur begin,” adult one says.

“What are the charges?” adult two asks.

“Theft, vandalism, threats, and murder,” adult three says.

“That’s not what happened!” Nathaniel protests.

“Then tell us what really happened,” adult two commands, and so Nathaniel begins his tale:

***

Nathaniel and his crew fly to planet Kakro, a world with two oceans separated by land. Due to the presence of algae and bacteria, one is red and the other is green. In between is a forest of tall grey mushrooms with ruffled edges. The rivers are full of slime and sometimes it rains slime. Due to a surprise solar flare last year, many thousands of ships fell to the ground. In order to speed up the cleanup of toxins and radiation, offworlders are allowed to scavenge the ruins and keep anything of value. Trashpicking is legal. “Finders keepers,” and “first come, first served,” are the new laws of the land. Each scavenger collects different materials, and this specialization yields efficiency. The boys have arrived too late to gather cargo, fuel, or engine parts, but there is still plenty to scavenge. “Okay, I found it,” Haticat says, skimming through the catalog. “Those are memory crystals. They are used to store computer memories.”

Nathaniel plucks the small, glowing, yellow crystals from the circuit boards he found them in. They look slightly blurry on the edges, as if his eyes refuse to focus on them. “Strange.”

Doctor Bill rounds the corner with Fred behind him. “Captain, good news. Earlier scavengers took the fuel in the tanks, but they forgot the fuel in the injectors.”

“Oh good, we can sell that,” Nathaniel comments.

After filling their ship with smart metal bolts, carpeting, furniture, sheets of polarized glass, and various pieces of scientific equipment they hope to use themselves, the explorers head to the market 3000 kilometers away. Hundreds of races of beings are there, each with their own currency. Some barter goods for other goods. Some pay in coupons only good at one company or for only one product. Some pay in stocks. For the memory crystals alone, the boys are given 250 kilograms of candy. For the bolts, they are given equipment to make gathering easier.

Two days later, they are out in the field again. Their new equipment allows them to strip hulls, rolling them up into large bales. New antigravity tethers allow them to carry the bales easily and float them over the ship like balloons. They work all day taking all the armor and heat shielding off from one ship. It is when they are gathering the final section that they hear a noise. “Look!” Fred yells.

A person with a jetpack cuts the tethers to the floating bales and starts to fly away with them. “Hey! Put those back!” Nate yells.

Nathaniel, Haticat, and Fred open fire, but at that distance their aim is terrible. They run after the thief on foot.
 
***

“Your honor, let it be noted that at this point Nathaniel and his accomplices have already attempted to murder what would become the second victim,” adult three says.

“So? There’s nothing wrong with that. He was stealing from us,” Nathaniel says.

“Life is more important than property, since without life there is no ownership,” adult three says.

“Then he shouldn’t have risked his life by trying to take my property,” Nathaniel says.

“Just because others are doing wrong, doesn’t make it okay for you to do wrong. Just because he risked his life, doesn’t mean you are allowed to risk his life,” adult three says.

“How are we supposed to stop thieves, then?” Nate asks.

“Do not question an adult!” adult two yells.

“I need to learn so I can stop them next time,” Nathaniel explains.

“If someone steals from you, tell an adult and they will stop them,” Adult three says.

“How do they do that without killing them if they fight back?” Nathaniel asks before realizing he has asked a question again. He pauses, expecting another scolding, but nothing happens.

“Adults are allowed to kill. Children cannot,” adult three says.

“That makes no sense!” Nathaniel says, exasperated.

“Adults always give criminals a chance to comply with punishment peacefully,” adult three adds.

“Punishment isn’t peaceful,” Nathaniel says, confused.

“Adults always give thieves a chance to return what they stole and go free,” adult three says.

“That’s what I did. I gave the boy multiple chances,” Nathaniel says.

“Tell us about that,” adult two says. Nathaniel continues his tale:
 
***

The boys catch up with the thief at his ship one kilometer away and confront him there as he finishes attaching the tether. “Give them back!” Nathaniel yells.

“I found them! Finders keepers!” the Nino boy yells, his black hair, white skin, and short stature identifying his race.

“That’s not how that works!” Nathaniel yells back.

“Finders keepers, losers weepers!” the Nino replies, following up with mock sobbing.

“I’ll make you cry for real if you don’t give them back!” Nathaniel says.

The thief then jumps inside his ship and shuts the door. Nathaniel wastes no time blasting the lock with his laser pistol and forcing the door open, but jumps back when he discovers the floor and walls are red-hot. Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill stand on the threshold unsure what to do. “It’s some sort of anti-invasion mechanism,” Doctor Bill says. A shudder and deep roaring noise indicates the ship is taking off. Left with no other option, the boys run as fast as they can to keep out of range of the rocket fire.

***
 
“See? I gave him several chances and he tried to kill us,” Nathaniel says.

“He might not have done that if you didn’t break into his ship,” adult three says.

“I wouldn’t have broken into his ship if he didn’t steal my stuff,” Nathaniel counters. “All of this started because of him. He left me no choice.”

“There is always a choice,” adult three says.

“I didn’t choose to have my stuff stolen,” Nathaniel says.

“Let’s move on. What happened between you and the Coelurosaurs?” adult two asks. Nathaniel continues his tale:
 
***

Still mad, the boys return to their ship to find people in it. A group of about ten Coelurosaurs walk out of the door with sacks of their candy. “Hey!” Nathaniel shouts.

“That’s ours!” Haticat yells.

“We found it,” the Coelurosaur in front says.

“You stole it. Put it back,” Nathaniel demands.

The front Coelurosaur sneers. “What are you going to do about it?”

Ffffzat! The Coelurosaur’s head explodes in a puff of boiling blood. Nathaniel lowers his weapon while the body crumples to the ground, still smoking. The others immediately drop the sacks and run.
 
***

“See? We let them go because they dropped the candy,” Nathaniel says.

“You killed one before he had a chance,” adult three says.

“I gave him a chance! He had a chance before he entered my ship!” Nathaniel exclaims.

“The number of chances do not matter. Murder is illegal on Kakro. The punishment is one day of house arrest,” adult two says.

“That’s not fair! It was his fault!” Nathaniel screams.

“Criticizing the court is also illegal. The punishment is two days of house arrest,” adult two says.

“I wouldn’t have to criticize the court if the court wasn’t so stupid,” Nathaniel says.

“That’s an additional two days,” adult two says.

“I’m just arguing my defense like I’m supposed to. You never explained what I’m not allowed to say,” Nathaniel says.

“Fifteen days,” adult two says.

“I wasn’t even saying anything bad that time!” Nathaniel yells.

“Thirty days,” adult two says.

“What am I doing wrong?” Nathaniel asks.

“Sixty days,” adult two says.

“What am I doing wrong?” Nathaniel asks.

“120 days,” adult two says.

“What am I doing wrong?” Nathaniel asks.

“240 days,” adult two says.

Nathaniel is too stunned to speak. Maybe speaking itself is what is getting him into trouble. Maybe there are speaking turns or something. This is stupid. If trying to obey the rules is not keeping him out of trouble, why bother? If they don’t want him to talk, they shouldn’t keep giving him more days, making him angry and thus forcing him to talk. Nathaniel gets angrier and angrier until he cannot keep quiet another moment. “You’re worse criminals than the thieves! At least they hurt others to help themselves! You hurt others for no reason! I’ll kill all of you!”

“1890 days,” adult two says.

“I’m not cooperating any longer! I’ll kill all of you and I won’t ever stop until all of you are dead!” Nathaniel jumps onto the table and then jumps toward the adults, but is stopped by an electrified web shot from the fifth adult. It knocks him out.

Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill rise in protest. “Hey, we’re the victims. We were stolen from! Attack them, not us!” Haticat yells.

“The court will punish anyone it decides to find guilty,” adult two says. “Tell us what happened next.” The Stuffians then tell their tale:
 
***

Outside his ship with the sacks of candy, Nathaniel growls and ruffles his feathers. He is so angry he can hardly contain it. “Come on!”

He enters his ship and tries to shut the doors, but they will not shut all the way. “They broke the doors,” Fred says. Nathaniel gets even madder. He runs to the bridge and takes off before the others are even in their seats. He chases the fleeing Nino’s ship as fast as he can go inside an atmosphere and opens fire. The laser cannons puncture holes in the hull of the other ship. The Nino returns fire in the form of a cutting laser that slices one of the laser cannons clean off and starts to work on the other one. He swerves to the side to avoid losing his only remaining gun and begins to circle the other ship.

The radio crackles to life. “Give up. You can’t win.”

“I’ll give up when I get back my stuff,” Nathaniel replies.

“That’s never going to happen,” the Nino says.

“Wrong!” Nathaniel flies his ship straight up and then brings it down hard on top of the Nino’s ship. The two ships go down together until at the last moment, Nathaniel fires his rockets and takes off again, smothering the Nino’s ship in fire as it crashes. The antigravity tethers are destroyed and the weight of the bales crushes what remains.

Nathaniel then turns the ship around and chases after the Coelurosaurs. He sees them running through the forest not yet to their vehicles. His remaining laser cannon makes short work of them. Unknown to him at the time, three escape.

***

“That brings the total number of murders up to eight and the total number of ships destroyed up to one,” adult three says.

“The Nino cut off our cannon,” Haticat points out.

“Which he wouldn’t have done if you weren’t chasing him,” adult three says.

“Which we wouldn’t have done if he wasn’t stealing from us,” Haticat says.

“Why did your captain fire at the boys on the ground after letting them go?” adult two asks.

“They broke our door,” Haticat answers.

“Shooting at them is a strange way of fixing the door,” adult two says.

“That was for revenge,” Haticat explains.

“Revenge is against the rules! 2000 days house arrest!” adult two says.

“Revenge can’t be against the rules. Revenge is payment for breaking the rules,” Haticat says.

“That’s a scientific fact,” Doctor Bill says.

“If revenge is illegal, so is this trial. You’re having revenge on us for having revenge,” Haticat argues.

“Revenge is the job of adults only! 2500 days house arrest!” adult two says. Now turning to the Coelurosaurs, it says, “Now tell us what happened next.” So, the Coelurosaurs begin telling their tale:

***

The next day, the boys return to market. They need some new tethers. While looking some over, Nathaniel is suddenly yanked backwards by his tail, instantly breaking it. “Ow!”

Several Coelurosaurs hold him tight and disarm him. His crew is similarly held and disarmed. A gruff-looking Allosaur holds a gun to his temple. “Is this the guy?”

“That’s him!” one Coelurosaur says.

“Do you know how it feels to have your head blown off?” the Allosaur asks.

“No,” Nathaniel answers, shaking slightly.

“Well, you’re going to find out today,” the Allosaur says, “but first, we’re going to show you how it feels to watch your friend’s head taken off.”

With that, two Coelurosaurs grab onto Doctor Bill’s head and pull. “Aah! Stop!” he protests. Fibers in his neck start to break. White stuffing begins to leak out.

Nathaniel struggles against his captors. “Leave him alone!”

“What is going on here?” a loud voice booms. It is a Kakro adult. “Fighting is against the rules!”

“He killed my friend!” a Coelurosaur shouts.

“That’s no excuse! You’re all under arrest!” the adult declares.

***

“So you see,” the Coelurosaur says, “we were only acting in revenge; it was the right thing to do.”

“That makes sense; revenge is always the just thing to do,” adult two says.

“You just said it was against the rules,” Haticat says.

“Contradicting an adult is the highest crime on Kakro! 35,454 days!” adult two declares.

“No!” Fred yells.

“The word ‘no’ is contrary! 121,961 days!” Adult two declares.

Nathaniel starts to wake up and groggily gets to his feet. “What happened? What’s going on?”

“I have heard enough. You are to be locked under house arrest until you learn to play nice and share your toys!” adult two says.

“What?” Nathaniel utters.

Nathaniel, Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill are soon transported to their spaceship and sent inside. The doors are repaired and welded shut. They sit in silence for three minutes. “What stops us from just taking off?” Fred asks.

“I don’t know. Let’s find out,” Nathaniel says.

With Haticat’s help, Nathaniel starts the launch sequence. Five minutes later, they fly away into the sky and leave Kakro for good. “Adults are very stupid,” Nathaniel comments.

---

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