Adults Say The Darnedest Things

“I’m receiving a distress signal,” Haticat reports.

“From what?” Nathaniel asks.

“It looks like a small craft of Footpip make caught in the accretion disk of a neutron star. It has Chijug registration signatures,” Haticat reports.

“Well, let’s help out. Anything for a survivor of Chijug,” Nathaniel comments.

A well-placed charge fired into the concentrated gas disk blows the ship into an elliptical orbit, but its engines are damaged and Nathaniel must quickly dock his ship to the Footpip’s ship in order to rescue him. They close the airlock and pull free from the superhot vortex just in time to avoid irreversible damage to the ship from the onslaught of x-rays and other radiation. Doctor Bill treats the adult Footpip for minor genetic injuries in the medical compartment when Nathaniel stops by to visit. It tells him, “Don’t worry; it’s all over. There’s nothing to be scared about.”

“Good. We’ll drop you off on the nearest inhabited planet. We should be there in a few days,” Nathaniel says.

The green-furred adult suddenly sweeps his hand past Nathaniel’s snout and then makes a fist. “I got your nose.”

“Huh? You never touched me,” Nathaniel says.

“Look.” The Footpip shows Nathaniel the tip of his thumb poking out of his fist.

Nathaniel is confused. “That’s not my nose; that’s your thumb.”

“It’s your nose. I pulled it off,” the Footpip says.

Nathaniel pauses, unsure how to proceed. Was this creature insane? “I can see the ridges of your thumbprint. My nose is still on my face.” He touches his claw to his snout just to be sure.

“Don’t cry. It was only a joke. See?” It opens his hand to show an empty palm.

“I’m not crying. I knew it wasn’t my nose. I would have felt it being pulled off and there would have been blood,” Nathaniel states.

“Don’t cry. It was only a trick. I tricked you,” it says.

“I was never tricked,” Nathaniel responds.

“Yup, I tricked you good,” it continues, chuckling to itself.

Why were adults always so stupid? No wonder this one had flown into a neutron star. “I’ll drop you off on the nearest inhabited planet. There’s a Hammer-Face colony there. They’ll help you.”

“That’s okay. There’s no reason to be scared,” the Footpip says.

“Right,” Nathaniel says, and walks away.

The adult soon reveals itself to be insufferable. Once, it walks onto the bridge and says, “You don’t have to be scared. There’s nothing in the corner.”

“What?” Nathaniel blurts.

“It looks dark and scary, but there’s no monster there; I’ll show you.” The Footpip shines a flashlight into the dark corner.

Nathaniel sighs. “Haticat, can we go faster?”

“I don’t want to overstrain the engines. The radiation from the neutron star destabilized the graviton matrix,” Haticat replies.

“Ugh!” Nathaniel responds.

“Don’t cry. There’s no reason to be afraid of the dark,” the Footpip says.

“Leave us alone,” Nathaniel says.

“Calm down. I’ll get us to the Hammer-Face colony safely,” the Footpip says. “I can help you fly if you’re nervous.” It starts pressing buttons. An alarm sounds.

“This ship is from the future. You don’t know how to fly it!” Nathaniel attempt to usher the adult out the door. “Why don’t you rest in your bedroom while we do the chores?”

“Okay,” the adult finally says.

“Haticat,” Nathaniel says sternly.

“Increasing speed, Captain,” Haticat says.

This turns out to be a mistake because soon the engines overheat and shut down just outside a binary star system with seventeen planets. “I think I can manage one-third light speed,” Haticat reports.

“How long to repair them?” Nathaniel asks.

“Well, we have to wait for them to cool down, first. That will take at least forty-eight hours,” Haticat says.

“Ugh!” Nathaniel grunts.

“We could explore the nearby planets while we wait,” Haticat suggests.

“Yes! Let’s do that!” Nathaniel agrees.

Twenty hours later, the cross-ship settles on a cold, terrestrial planet with a helium-neon-argon atmosphere. Despite the complete lack of oxygen, carbon dioxide, or water, there is life here. The tall, thin trees are a mixture of carbon and nitrogen. The explorers suit up to go outside. “I’ll protect you from any animals while you play,” the Footpip says.

“We can take care of ourselves; we’re professionals,” Nathaniel says.

“Don’t worry,” the Footpip says.

Once outside, Doctor Bill examines the trees. They are covered in a clear bark greatly resembling bubble wrap. It is extremely cold. Tiny droplets of Krypton and Xenon dew stick to everything. Fred sees a large, black blob with loose, transparent, cellophane-like skin. Then he sees another and another. The blobs move intermittently, remaining still for twenty-five to thirty-five seconds before lurching ten meters in a single second. Nathaniel scans a nearby lettuce-like organism before it twitches and opens its eyes, revealing itself to be an animal. “That’s a friendly lettuce monster; it won’t hurt you,” the Footpip says.

“How do you know that? Have you been here before?” Nathaniel asks.

“Hello, lettuce monster,” the Footpip says, ignoring Nathaniel completely. “See, it’s friendly.”

The creature rolls itself away slowly while Nathaniel continues to scan. There are many interesting minerals, plants, and microbes to study. Fred takes readings of the magnetic field. Haticat releases a weather balloon. The Footpip constantly hovers around them, interfering and making inane comments. “Don’t touch that! It’s very sensitive!” Haticat scolds it.

“You should learn to share your toys,” it says.

“Those aren’t toys!” Haticat yells.

“You have such an imagination. I’m sure your parents must miss you. When are you going to go home?” the Footpip asks. Neither Haticat nor Nathaniel answer.

Although they landed on the “night” side of the planet, it is moderately well lit by the distant red dwarf satellite star. Now, the closer, brighter, orange dwarf star rises. It rises fast, since the planet rotates on its axis in only six hours and forty minutes. All around them, the dew vaporizes and disperses in the wind. Then the trees start to melt. “Quick! Take samples to preserve them,” Nathaniel yells. The lettuce monsters melt next, followed by the black blobs. They literally fall apart into chunks.

Nathaniel sets down one container. Then he returns to pluck a leaf from a shrub, places it in a second container, and runs to place it next to the first. He does this again with a piece of blob, but when he sets down the container, the first two are gone. He looks up to see the Footpip dumping them out. “Playtime is over. It’s time to clean up and go home.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Nathaniel asks.

“That’s not a polite question to ask,” the Footpip says.

Nathaniel stands there, making strangling motions, barely able to contain his anger. “Ick. Ack. Grrk.”

“Don’t be sad. You can visit me tomorrow,” the Footpip says.

That pushes Nathaniel over the edge. He cannot let this creature back on the ship. “Let’s play one last game. It’s short.”

“Okay,” the Footpip agrees.

“We’ll play peekaboo. I’ll go first,” Nathaniel says.

“Okay,” the Footpip agrees.

Nathaniel covers his face. “Where’s Nathaniel? Where’s Nathaniel? PEEKABOO!!”

“You startled me!” the Footpip says.

“Okay, now it’s your turn. Take a long time so I don’t know when you’ll surprise me,” Nathaniel directs.

The Footpip covers its face and eyes. “Where’s Uncle Vedegie? Where did Uncle Vedegie go? Where am I?”

Nathaniel tiptoes around the adult and motions to Haticat, Fred, and Doctor Bill to follow him. They run inside the ship, close the door, and take off.